Behavioral Balance
Series
This part of the SCTC
web site is for the purpose of providing information that could assist
individuals in achieving and maintaining balance in their life. The
information, however, is of a generalized format and is not to replace
formal consultation from a therapist or other health care professional.
The subject of this page shall change periodically. Keep checking the
site for new tips.
Tip Archive
Effective
Anger Management
Understanding the nature of anger:
We
probably all have been told, at some time or another, that it is "bad"
to be angry. Some of us may even have been told that to be anything
but always positive and cheerful runs contrary to biblical teachings,
and that any expressions of worry, despair or anger are expressions
of ungratefulness to God.
Obviously,
it is impossible to control other peoples behavior or how they may characterize
our behavior. It is however, important for each of us to better understand
our behavior and especially those aspects of our behavior often labeled
as "Negative". Negative is a label we assign to qualities
or experiences considered undesirable, unrewarding, and non-affirming.
The opposite of "negative" is "positive" and that
seems to say it all; But does it?
Every
one of us has discovered, at some time or another in our lives, a treasure
hidden beneath an undesirable misfortune, or a blessing in disguise.
We suffer through a relationship that ends unexpectedly, then accidentally
meet the person with whom we spend the rest of our life. We get laid
off from a job, only to find another that is far better suited to our
talents and pays a lot more. Are these events negative or positive?
Obviously, these events can be either negative or positive, depending
on how one perceives them. The same is true for human emotions.
Emotions
are neither negative nor positive. They just are. The best descriptive
of these labels is that used by a physicist in the study of energy.
In this context, the terms negative or positive refer to the minus direction
and plus direction of the same scale. Both are equally valid, equally
necessary, and neither can exist without the other. Such is the case
with all the emotions that form the complex whole of a human being.
The
premise of this tip is that there is nothing wrong with any emotions.
It is O.K. to experience a feeling of anger, jealousy, despair,
or hatred. To react with rage when we are hit, or hurt when we are insulted,
is as natural to our existence as being hungry when we have not eaten.
Like all others, anger is a basic human emotion. It serves a very important
function by communicating to ourselves and others that something is
not in line with our expectations. Since our communicative behavior
is mostly learned, expressing our anger is definitely something we learn,
and thus something we can manage.
Strategies for Anger Management:
Effective
anger management begins with one’s ability to separate the fact
of the anger emotion from its expression and its hold
on the person. This separation involves four steps:
1. Accept
the fact of the anger feeling: Anger is a
regular part of our life, and like all other emotions, it is an involuntary
physiological response. The way our body reacts to people or situations
is very much built into our early childhood conditioning and our DNA.
Research seems to suggest that our initial reactions to stimuli does
not change much throughout our life. What can change is how we become
aware of and how we choose to respond to those stimuli.
2. Become
aware of the anger feeling: Before we get
to expressing our anger, we must allow ourselves to become aware of
its existence. While the first step of the actual feeling cannot be
stopped, we ourselves make the decision to become aware of it or to
deny it.
Many of us have learned to deny the pain
we felt when we were hurt by criticism or ridicule, and thus have
conditioned ourselves against these feelings and repressed them
to the point of disowning them entirely.
Denial of repressed feelings is usually so
unconscious that we may come to believe that we are actually not
angry or hurt, when indeed we are full of rage and agony. Interestingly,
others may notice these repressed emotions through our tight voices,
our stiff gestures, or the cynical perspective we hold of the world
around us. On a deeper level, disowned and unexpressed anger has
a devastating effect on the immune system. Expressions such as "he
makes me sick", or " I am sick of this" can become
self fulfilling prophecies. Unless they are dealt with properly,
these expressions will all too often manifest in the form of actual
disease.
Becoming aware of our anger is critical in
terms of our development as integrated human beings. If we allow
ourselves to become aware of our anger feelings and own up to them,
we can then move on to the third step of expressing them.
Allowing our selves to become aware of our
anger involves identifying our "anger triggers" and exploring
how they impact us. If it is something someone said or did to you,
ask yourself why it made you angry. Give yourself time to think,
count till 10 as we have often been told. This gives you time to
think and put the situation into the proper perspective.
3. Express
your anger feelings: Once you have experienced
the anger feeling, have had awareness of the feeling, then you are ready
to express it in some form. The way in which we express our anger feelings
depends upon the situation. If we are angry at someone, it may be entirely
appropriate to show that anger directly, as long as we don’t hurt or
otherwise abuse the other person. Other times it may be more appropriate
to pound a pillow or break out into a howl when you are alone in a car
or in your own room. The point is that we can choose how we want to
express our feelings, or whether or not we want to express them at all.
Keep in mind that anger is neither good nor
bad. It becomes a positive or negative experience depending upon
the way in which it is expressed. Like all other forms of energy,
it can be used either creatively or destructively. When anger is
expressed in a safe, controlled environment, perceptions that were
formerly clouded by range can become crystal clear. The mind becomes
much keener once liberated by a managed expression of anger.
While we encourage the managed and safe expression
of anger, we are quick to note that the mere unleashing of anger
does little to promote growth and healing. It may make you feel
better for a short while, but in all likelihood, it could make the
objects of your rage feel worse, causing them to react defensively
and just as angrily as you are.
4. Bring
closure and drop the anger. Once you have
admitted the existence of an anger feeling, allowed your self to understand
what kinds of people and situations tend to enrage you, and why do you
think you react the way you do, and once you have expressed your anger
in a managed manner, you must now feel relieved. It is now time to drop
your anger and walk away from it.
Expressing your anger in a healthy way is not a
surety that the object of your anger or response will change to
your satisfaction. Whether or not that happens, you should walk
away knowing that you have done all you can by expressing your anger
in a healthy way. Remember, you are only responsible for your behavior
and not every one else’s.
Using
the four steps above can help you manage anger more effectively. Here
are some wrong ways to deal with anger, each of which has serious ramifications:
1. Ignoring the existence of the anger feeling.
2. Denying that you are experiencing an anger feeling
through evasion or bottling up..
3. Taking your anger on someone or something other
than the object of your anger.
4. Unleashing your anger with no respect to the
feelings of others.
5. Keep coming back to the anger theater.
If
you find yourself unable to manage anger effectively, or if you are
mismanaging anger in any of the five ways above, you may need some professional
help with your anger. Please contact your primary care physician, or
call our office for an appointment with a trained therapist.
Hinsdale SCTC (630)-850-2121
Naperville SCTC (630)-983-7530
Life is too short to spend it in anger and dismay. Take
charge of your anger today.... "For a Balanced Life"
Disclaimer
This material is provided for informational purposes
only. None of the information provided in this site is to replace a
timely visit with a health care provider or your behavioral health professional.
